Full disclosure here – I'm writing this from a place of still being fucked up by internalized shame. This isn't one of those "I overcame it and now I'm perfect" posts. This is real, it's messy, and I'm still figuring it out.
Let me paint you a picture: I'm sitting here in Dubai, successful by most people's standards – working as an engineer, married with a kid, living the "expat dream."
But there's this constant voice in my head telling me I'm not good enough, that I'm going to fuck everything up, that I don't deserve good things.
That's toxic shame for you. And ye know what? It's exhausting.
I've been wanting to write about this for ages, but the irony isn't lost on me – my internalized shame made me too ashamed to talk about… my shame. Talk about a mind fuck.
But here's the thing about shame – it thrives in silence. And I'm tired of being silent.
For those wondering why I'm sharing this when I haven't "fixed" myself yet… well, that's exactly why.
Most content out there is from people who've supposedly conquered their demons and now want to sell you their 10-step program to happiness.
But what about those of us still in the trenches? Those of us who can recognize our internalized shame but are still trying to figure out how to heal from it?
So here's what we're going to cover:
- What internalized shame actually feels like (spoiler: it's not fun)
- How I realized it was massively holding me back
- The stuff I'm trying to do about it (with mixed results)
- Why it's particularly fucked up when you're trying to build wealth and create a different life for yourself
Recognizing The Enemy
Let's rewind a bit – all the way back to junior school. That's where this shit really started.
When bullying crushed my internal systems and turned my entire world upside down.
One day I was just a kid, and the next… everything changed.
I fundamentally started believing I wasn't good enough. And that belief? It's still with me today (though less intense).
That's what toxic shame does to you.
It's not just feeling bad about yourself – it's a complete rewiring of how you see yourself in the world. From that point forward, every decision, every interaction, every opportunity got filtered through this lens of "I'm not good enough."
Here's what it sounds like in my head:
- "Don't try anything new, you'll just embarrass yourself"
- "Stay quiet, your ideas are probably stupid"
- "Better stick to the safe path, you're not cut out for anything else"
- "Who do you think you are trying to start a blog/invest in crypto/create wealth?"
The Real Impact
So, what does toxic shame actually cost us? Let me get real with you about how this shit plays out in my life.
It's Not Just About Self-Esteem
You might think this is just about feeling bad about yourself, but it goes way deeper than that. Toxic shame creates this constant state of hypervigilance.
You're always on guard, always waiting for something to go wrong, always trying to stay "safe."
And ye know what safety looks like when you're operating from shame?
- Playing small with investments because "who am I to think I can build real wealth?"
- Hesitating to share my thoughts on this blog because "what if everyone realizes I'm a fraud?"
- Sticking with the familiar even when I know there are better opportunities
- Constantly second-guessing decisions that could change my family's future
I spent two fucking years working on this blog without publishing anything substantial. TWO YEARS. Not because I didn't have anything to say, but because shame convinced me no one would want to hear it.
The Financial Cost
Let's talk about money because this is where shame really shows its teeth.
Living in the Middle East has given me opportunities for wealth creation that I never had before. But taking advantage of those opportunities?
That requires believing you deserve them.
When you've got toxic shame whispering in your ear, you:
- Hold onto "safe" investments even when you see better opportunities
- Wait too long to make decisions until opportunities pass
- Underprice your value because you don't believe you're worth more
- Stick to conventional paths even when your gut tells you there's a better way
The Freedom Cost
But here's what really fucks me up – it's not just about missed opportunities or lost money. It's about the freedom we're giving up.
See, I've realized something since moving to the Middle East and seeing what's possible with wealth creation: Money equals options. And options equal freedom. But shame? Shame keeps us trapped.
I am trying really hard to increase my self-sufficiency and personal sovereignty to enable me to live a life that aligns with who I am and the mental issues I have rather than trying to fit a round peg in a square hole.
It's like being in a prison where you're both the prisoner and the guard. The door might be unlocked, but shame convinces you that you don't deserve to walk through it.
The Family Impact
And it doesn't just affect me. My decisions – or lack of them – impact my family's future too. Every time I let shame hold me back from:
- Making that investment
- Starting that side hustle
- Taking that calculated risk
- Building real wealth
I'm not just limiting myself. I'm limiting what I can provide for my family, what I can teach my son about confidence and self-worth.
The Wake-Up Call
Sometimes I lie awake at night thinking about the opportunities I've missed because of this internal bullshit. But ye know what's worse? Thinking about how this same pattern could affect my son if I don't get a handle on it.
In fact this was the driver for me now to take this seriously – I don’t want my son to end up like me.
Here's what finally got me taking this more seriously: Realizing that if I don't actively work on healing this shame, I'm going to keep repeating these patterns. And in today's world, where traditional paths are crumbling and creating personal wealth is more important than ever, I can't afford to keep letting shame call the shots.
Want to know what I'm trying to do about it? That's up next…
What I'm Trying (With Mixed Results)
Right, let's talk about what I'm actually doing to try and deal with this shit. And remember – I'm not coming at this from some enlightened place where I've figured it all out. This is real-time, messy, trial-and-error stuff.
The Hard Truth First
Before I get into what I'm trying, here's something I need to admit: I spent years thinking I could just push through this. Like if I just made enough money or achieved enough success, the shame would magically disappear.
Spoiler alert: It fucking doesn't.
Being My Own Best Friend
Look, this has been huge for me. I'm trying to talk to myself like I'd talk to my best friend – with actual fucking compassion instead of constant criticism. It feels weird at first (and sometimes still does), but it's probably the most important thing I've started doing.
When shame kicks in, I try to:
- Ask myself "Would I say this to someone I care about?"
- Remember that I'm human and doing my best
- Acknowledge that this shit is hard and it's okay to struggle
- Give myself permission to not have it all figured out and make progress not have to be perfect all the time.
Current Experiments in Healing
Here's what I'm trying right now:
- Getting This Shit Out in the Open
- Starting this blog and actually publishing (terrifying but necessary)
- Being honest about my struggles instead of pretending I've got it all figured out
- Talking to my wife about it (probably should've done this years ago)
- Challenging the "Not Good Enough" Story
- Writing down my shame thoughts when they come up
- Looking for evidence that contradicts them
- Asking myself "Would I talk to my son this way?"
Last week I caught myself thinking "You're too stupid to understand crypto properly." Had to stop and think – I literally have a master's degree in engineering. Maybe I'm not as dumb as shame wants me to believe.]
What Seems to Help (Sometimes)
- Taking small actions despite the shame voice
- Focusing on data and facts when shame tries to spin narratives
- Creating systems that make decisions easier (because shame loves to paralyze)
- Being compassionate with myself (still feels weird, but it works)
What Hasn't Worked
- Trying to "positive think" my way out of it
- Waiting until I feel "ready" or "worthy"
- Pretending the shame isn't there
- Hoping it'll go away on its own
The Financial Side
Since money and wealth creation are huge parts of personal sovereignty, I'm specifically working on:
- Setting up automatic investments (so shame can't talk me out of them)
- Starting small with new investments to build confidence
- Documenting wins (no matter how small) to combat the "you'll fail" narrative
- Learning from losses without letting shame turn them into evidence of unworthiness
The Fucking Hard Truth
Here's something that took me way too long to accept: There is no quick fix for this shit.
The reality is messier:
- Some days I feel strong enough to push through
- Other days shame wins
- Sometimes I can be compassionate with myself
- Sometimes that inner critic is screaming so loud I can barely think
- Progress isn't linear – it's more like two steps forward, one step back
Why Pretending Doesn't Help
You know what makes toxic shame even worse? Pretending you've got it all figured out. Putting on that fake confidence. Acting like you're "crushing it" when inside you're still dealing with all this internal shit.
Every time I publish a blog post, shame screams that I'm going to be judged, that I'm not qualified, that I should just shut up and stay small. But I'm publishing anyway. Because fuck that voice.
Moving Forward Anyway
So here's where I'm at: I've got this toxic shame that's been fucking with me since junior school. I know it's there, I know it's holding me back, and I know it's not going away overnight.
But I'm done letting it run the show.
Here's what I'm learning to do:
- Invest in crypto even when shame says I'll fuck it up
- Write these blog posts even when shame says no one cares
- Research off-grid living even when shame says it's unrealistic
- Work towards financial independence even when shame says I don't deserve it
Building Wealth While Healing
One thing I've realized: I can't wait until I'm "fully healed" to start building wealth and creating the life I want. That's just another form of hiding.
I had to admit to myself a few years ago that as an introverted person suffering with toxic shame I just don’t work well int he traditional 9 to 5 office environment.
During Covid when we worked from home I flourished while my stress levels dropped and energy levels rose – it’s hard to admit that I am just not cut out for the never-ending treadmill that is the rate race and why I am trying everything I can now to escape it.
Finding Others Who Get It
You know what helps? Knowing I'm not the only one dealing with this shit. That's why I'm being so open about it here. Because maybe you're reading this and thinking "fuck, I thought I was the only one."
You're not.
A Final Note
If you're dealing with toxic shame too, here's what I want you to know:
- You're not alone in this
- You're not broken
- You can create wealth and freedom despite the shame
- You deserve better than letting shame run your life
And if you're sitting there thinking "this is exactly what I'm dealing with" – drop a comment below. Maybe we can figure this shit out together.
Because while I don't have all the answers, I do know this: We've got a better chance of beating this thing if we stop pretending we're not dealing with it.
It’s nice to finally admit that I am not managing to achieve everything I think I SHOULD right now and that’s OK.
Here's to taking action anyway, to being our own best friends, and to creating the life we want – shame be damned.
