The 2 AM Existential Crisis
It's 2 AM. I'm wide awake. Again.
Spiraling into an existential crisis? Check.
Questioning my life choices? Double check.
Dreaming about off-grid living? You bet your arse.
Is this really it? Work for decades, for what?
There's gotta be another way, right?
Plot twist: I'm an expat engineer. In Dubai. With a wife and toddler now.
Not exactly homesteader central, is it?
And then it hits me like a tonne of bricks:
I'm. Not. Managing. It. All.
Not even bloody close.
But here's the kicker – that's perfectly OK.
The Juggling Act from Hell
We're all out here trying to juggle:
- Career (gotta climb that ladder)
- Family (because who needs sleep?)
- Finances (Dubai ain't cheap, mate)
- Personal goals (off-grid dreams, anyone?)
It's like some cosmic joke, innit?
And then you make the mistake of opening social media…
BAM!
Suddenly you're drowning in a sea of people who seem to have it all figured out.
Spoiler alert: They don't.
The "Not Enough" Syndrome
For years, I've been wrestling with this constant feeling of not being enough:
- Not successful enough
- Not fit enough
- Not wealthy enough
- Not _______ enough (fill in the blank, I've felt it)
Exhausting doesn't even begin to cover it.
But I'm starting to realize something:
This whole perfection thing? It's a load of bollocks – which is why I am choosing to make any small amount of progress I can rather than worrying about perfection.
The Roots of Never Feeling Good Enough: A Trip Down Memory Lane
Alright, let's rewind the clock a bit.
Picture this: A skinny kid with glasses, trying to blend into the school walls.
Yeah, that was me.
The Playground: Where Dreams Go to Die
Junior school. Should be all about finger painting and learning your times tables, right?
Wrong.
For me, it was more like:
- Dodging verbal jabs
- Avoiding the "cool" kids
- Praying the teacher wouldn't make me read aloud
Fun times. Not.
The Gift That Keeps on Giving
Fast forward to adulthood. You'd think I'd have shaken it off by now, right?
Ha! Good one.
That self-doubt? It's like that clingy ex who won't take the hint. It follows you everywhere:
- Job interviews? "You're not qualified enough."
- Dating? "Why would they be interested in you?"
- Trying something new? "You'll probably mess it up."
It's the gift that keeps on giving. And by "gift," I mean "massive pain in the arse."
Its part of the reason that I really want to get off this 9 to 5 working treadmill and escape the rate race – I just don’t function well in that environment as an introverted person.
The Invisible Scars
Here's the thing about childhood bullying:
It leaves scars. Not the cool, badass kind. The invisible ones that mess with your head.
As an adult, I found myself:
- Second-guessing every decision
- Apologizing for existing (not even joking)
- Avoiding challenges because, well, why set myself up for failure?
It's like carrying around a personal rain cloud. Everywhere you go, it's there, ready to rain on your parade.
The Social Media Funhouse Mirror: When Reality Gets Warped
Right, so there I was, navigating adulthood with all the grace of a drunk giraffe on roller skates.
And then? BAM!
Social media burst onto the scene.
Welcome to the Highlight Reel
Suddenly, I had front row tickets to everyone's "best life":
- That guy from uni buying his third investment property
- The girl from school landing a job at Google
- My gym buddy with the six-pack abs and "perfect" family
Meanwhile, there's me:
Scrolling.
Comparing.
Feeling like a right muppet.
The Comparison Game: Where Everyone Loses
Here's the thing about social media:
It's like a funhouse mirror at the carnival. You know, the ones that make you look taller, shorter, wider, or wavier than you really are?
Except this mirror? It makes everyone else look bloody perfect.
And there I was, using these warped images as a measuring stick for my own worth.
Spoiler alert: I always came up short.
The Social Media Shopping List of Inadequacy
Let's break it down, shall we?
Every scroll became a reminder of what I lacked:
- Not wealthy enough (Where's my beachfront villa?)
- Not successful enough (Still no CEO title?)
- Not fit enough (Abs? What abs?)
- Not travel-savvy enough (You mean my backyard doesn't count as exotic?)
It was like being back in that school playground. But now? The bullies were these picture-perfect posts, making me feel small all over again.
The Ugly Truth
But here's the kicker:
All that time I spent feeling like shit about myself?
I was comparing my behind-the-scenes to everyone else's highlight reel.
And let me tell you, that's a one-way ticket to Misery Town. Population: Me.
The Slow Realization: Pulling Back the Curtain
So there I was, feeling like a failure because I wasn't living the Instagram dream.
But then, slowly, the penny started to drop.
The Social Media Mirage
First off, I realized something big:
Social media is a highlight reel.
Nobody's posting about:
- Their failures
- Their doubts
- Their 3 AM anxiety attacks
(Well, except me. Right now. You're welcome.)
Jack of All Trades, Master of… Some?
Then it hit me:
Excellence is rarely universal.
- That mate with the killer career? Might be rubbish at relationships.
- The fitness influencer? Could be drowning in debt.
- The "perfect" family? Who knows what goes on behind closed doors.
The Story Behind the Story
And here's another truth bomb:
You never know the full story.
Behind every "perfect" post could be:
- Mountains of struggle
- Oceans of tears
- A whole lot of smoke and mirrors
The Mug's Game
Finally, I cottoned on to the biggest truth of all:
Comparison is a mug's game.
There's always someone doing "better". Always.
So why torture yourself?
The Ongoing Battle: Two Steps Forward, One Step Back
Look, I'd love to say I've got it all figured out now. That I'm immune to the social media comparison trap.
But that'd be a load of bollocks.
It's an ongoing battle. Some days are better than others.
The Good Days
On good days, I:
- Take social media with a massive grain of salt
- Focus on my own journey, not someone else's highlight reel
- Remember that "good enough" is often more than enough
The Not-So-Good Days
On bad days? Well…
- I still catch myself playing the comparison game
- That old "not enough" feeling creeps back in
- I have to consciously remind myself that it's all smoke and mirrors
But you know what? That's okay too.
Because I'm learning that it's not about being perfect. It's about progress.
Embracing the Messy Middle: Finding Freedom in Imperfection
So here's where I've landed:
I'm not managing it all. And that's perfectly okay.
Redefining Success
I'm learning to redefine success on my own terms:
- It's not about having the biggest bank balance
- It's not about having the perfect body
- It's not about ticking all the societal boxes
It's about being content. Being present. Being me.
The Beauty of "Good Enough"
I'm embracing the concept of "good enough":
- Good enough parent
- Good enough engineer
- Good enough human
Because you know what? Good enough IS enough.
Finding Joy in the Journey
I'm trying to find joy in the journey, not just the destination:
- Celebrating small wins
- Learning from failures
- Appreciating the messy middle
Conclusion: We're All in This Mess Together
If you're reading this and nodding along, know you're not alone.
We're all works in progress, muddling through as best we can.
So next time you're scrolling and start to feel that familiar pang of "not enough", remember:
Behind every glossy post is a real person, probably just as confused and imperfect as the rest of us.
And you know what? That's not just okay.
It's bloody beautiful.
Want to dive deeper into understanding what toxic shame (internalised shame) is? Check out my post on WTF is toxic shame.
Remember, we're all in this mess together. And that's something worth celebrating.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got a 2 AM existential crisis to attend to. But this time? I might just embrace it.
